St. Louis Cardinals

From Fake Baseball Reference
St. Louis Cardinals
Stl cards.png
Established in 2017
  • St. Louis Cardinals (2017-present)
Ballpark
MLR Titles
Paper Cup titles (0) None
National League Pennants (0) None
East Division titles (0) None
Wild card berths (0) None


The St. Louis Cardinals are an American professional fake baseball franchise based in St. Louis, Missouri. They are in Major League Redditball's National League, and are one of the ten expansion teams in the league. They were founded by the handsome and charismatic Jefferson Steelflex.

2017 Expansion Draft[edit]

Prior to the draft, it was announced that the St. Louis Cardinals held the first overall pick. However, their crafty GM recognized the abundance of young talent in the draft and quickly traded down in the first round to obtain a veteran presence on the team, SS Brandon Aconi, and the 8th overall pick, from the Philadelphia Phillies. It didn't stop there for the untested Cardinals GM; After a hectic spree of wheeling and dealing, the Cardinals were locked in with the 4th overall pick in the draft and a draft plan ready to be executed.

With their first pick in the draft, the Cardinals selected their catcher, George Ewell, an international prospect who, despite a subpar offensive showing in the Showcase Series, had won over scouts with his ability to work effectively with a pitching staff. In addition to his repertoire with his battery-mates, Ewell also showed himself to be a constant and reliable source of optimism and sportsmanship in the dugout, resulting in him being picked top 5 in the expansion draft.

As starting pitching began to quickly disappear from the draft board, Steelflex and the Cardinals scouting department had to act quickly in order to secure their own ace, Jimbob Cooter. Cooter and the Cardinals had been connected several times pre-draft, particularly in Jack Bing's mock drafts, which we all know are generally meaningless. Despite this, Cooter falling to the Cardinals at pick #19 felt like destiny, and the Cardinals made their move, knowing that by the time their next pick came at the end of the 4th round it might be too late to secure another solid arm.

Several rounds into the draft, and all of the big name talents had been taken. This didn't discourage the Cardinals, as they knew there were plenty of high caliber players hiding in the draft pool -- they just had to hope that other teams didn't see the same potential they did. Other notable picks include 6th rounders 3B Dougal McGoogol and LF Sleve McDichael, two stalwart clubhouse presences, always honing their craft and looking to help the rest of the team, and the dynamic duo of RF Justin Paglia (7th round) & 2B James Pablano (11th round), who put up with their manager always mixing up their first names.

Free Agent Acquisitions[edit]

Coming out of the 2017 Expansion Draft, it was clear that the Cardinals needed to bolster their pitching staff, as it would be hard to expect Jimbob Cooter to throw every inning of the 2017/2018 season. In a thin free agent market, Steelflex struggled to find adequate arms to fill the rotation spots, and those he reached out to often had already signed deals with other teams just as desperate for arms. Despite the struggles, Steelflex kept on trucking, and was rewarded for his patience when a talented lefty accepted his offer to pitch for the Cardinals. On November 21st, Joey "The Truck" Powers signed a major league deal with the St. Louis Cardinals as their second starting pitcher. While this move has been considered 'yuge' for the Cardinals, they were left with one glaring issue -- They still had no right-handed pitching.

Steelflex continued to scour the free agent market, waiting for the chance to acquire the righty to complete his pitching staff. Over a month later, after two heart-breaking losses to start the season, the Cardinals finally signed a righty, Kawabunga Joe, to a minor league deal on December 26th, 2017. As Joe was signed mid-session, he has yet to see major league action for the Cardinals, making his only professional appearance to date for the Minor League Savannah Bananas, where he has quickly made a name for himself.

The Cardinals also added depth and power to their roster in the form of Catcher Foxx Dashington and 1B Stan Mann, two righty power bats signed as undrafted free agents shortly after the draft. With these moves, the Cardinals roster was full and finally ready to begin their journey towards the Paper Cup.

Trade with Boston[edit]

Looking to round out the roster and add some excitement to a team that was off to a slow start, St. Louis shipped infielder Pete "Slippery" Johnson to the Boston Red Sox alongside a minor league slot, receiving lefty contact outfielder Jebediah MacGuffin and lefty power infielder Brent Royal.

AltGate[edit]

On January 24th, 2018, Jefferson Steelflex received an odd trade inquiry from the recently appointed GM of the Boston Red Sox "The Big" E. Lindros, inquiring after the services of St. Louis's minor league memeballer, Kawabunga Joe. Lindros doubled down on his interest in Joe despite being informed that Joe hadn't reported for game duty in nearly a month and that the team was preparing to part ways with the young righty. In a bizarre twist of fate, Joe reappeared in the Cardinals clubhouse the very next evening, immediately causing problems and staring a fight with team captain Joey Powers. Steelflex attempted to settle down his staff, but as things grew out of control, he reached out to the commissioner and alerted him to the strange events going down in St. Louis.

After a sleepless night of investigation and debate, it was decided: four players, possibly more, had been found guilty of collusion and/or conduct detrimental to the league. These players were Boston GM E. Lindros, Boston infielder Pete Johnson (a former Cardinal), St. Louis minor leaguer Kawabunga Pete and most shockingly to all, Joey Powers. This news left the league stunned and the St. Louis Cardinals in an all too familiar position -- they had only one pitcher.

Current Roster[edit]

As of February 18th, 2018

Pitchers
Lefty Righty
Starters Jimbob Cooter Jameson Poe


Position Players
Position Starter Alternative
Catcher George Ewell Foxx Dashington
First Baseman Kegs Mabry Stan Mann
Second Baseman James Pablano Flag Amuffin
Third Baseman Dougal McGoogol Brent Royal
Shortstop Steve Shurwin Brandon Aconi
Left fielder Sleve McDichael Jebediah Macguffin
Center fielder Puckun Huckingly Logen Ninefingers
Right fielder Justin Paglia